I was the perfect mom before I had kids!

Being an only child made me realize that I wanted to have more than 1 child. I wanted my child to have; a life-long friend, someone to grow up with, and to have someone who would always have his/her back when I’m no longer around.  After high school, I had this very stupid timeline planned out! I had told myself that I had to be married with kids before 24. Absolutely crazy I know! Luckily, that timeline did not work out as planned. Instead of focusing on some crazy timeline, I started focusing on what would make me happy and set me up to be able to provide for the family I always dreamed of.  I wanted to have a stable relationship/marriage, graduate college, career job, and home. In 2009 I started my career job, in 2010 Ben and I got our first home together, in 2012 we got married. All the things I felt were important to have before starting a family.

Shortly after marriage Ben and I talked about starting our family. Starting a family for us took some planning. I have RA (Rheumatoid Arthritis) and was currently taking Methotrexate. Methotrexate is a chemotherapy and immunosuppressive drug. I had to be off my methotrexate for six months before we could pull the goalie. Those six months went by and we took the plunge. Let the fun begin!! I’m going to be honest, trying to get pregnant felt like a lot of pressure. Each month that aunt flo came to town, I felt like a complete failure. At one point I remember Ben saying maybe it’s him that can’t have kids. We were both feeling the same let down each month. I finally decided to stop tracking everything and just have fun. A few months later we were pregnant. I believe we took 3 or 4 tests that day because we were in shock. It had  finally happened! January 11, 2014 we welcomed our first son (Oliver) to the world. He came five weeks early by emergency c-section. I had HELLP Syndrome, this developed fast and furious. Up to this point our pregnancy was completely healthy.  After the c-section Oliver was taken straight to the NICU. I got to see him for a brief second as they took him out. I’ll never forget how much love I felt, unconditional love! The next 24 hours sucked. I was on bed rest with a magnesium drip. I was unable to be with Oliver, and this broke my heart. Let’s fast forward, we are now leaving the hospital together, Yay! Going from zero kids to one kid was a huge adjustment. I joke that I was the perfect parent before having kids. Nothing went as planned and I was doing things I swore I would never do! Six months after having Oliver we decided we would try again. I mean the first time took longer than we expected. December 23, 2014 we were pregnant again. Let’s say Santa left more than coal in my stocking! My chance of developing HELLP syndrome was high. After the first trimester my OB started me on low dose aspirin. This pregnancy was smooth sailing . We welcomed our second son (Logan) to the world on August 20, 2015.  Going from one kid to two kids was much easier. We kind of knew what to expect. My biggest fear was that Oliver would not love his new little brother. To my surprise it did not take him long to warm up to his little brother. The boys are now six and five. They are best friends and fight like cats and dogs. Most day’s it is like WWE wrestle mania in our living room.

After having the boys I became a new person. My priority was now the boys. I put my needs last and pushed Ben’s needs to the side also. There were moments where I felt like I did not know who I was anymore. I missed my pre-baby body, friends, and relationship with my husband. I had to make some kind of change. The change took time, it did not happen overnight. Hell I’m still working on myself daily. I started thinking of my body as a masterpiece. It just gave life to two beautiful children. We came up with a bedtime routine. This allowed Ben and I to have an hour or so together without interruption. This was a huge success! I started to workout which was amazing for my mind and body. I took a trip to New York City and Myrtle Beach with just the girlfriends. I know that taking a trip like that may not be possible for some. If it’s not possible for you, take a day trip with your girlfriends. Ben and I went on two trips without the kids. Our trips were amazing; it allowed us to rekindle our relationship.

Being a Brand Ambassador has helped play a huge role in finding myself again. It gives me time outside of the house without the boys. I get to work with other beautiful ladies that want to promote body positivity. I have gained some real friendships that will last beyond our time as Ambassadors. I have also gained a huge amount of self-confidence through this whole process. I’ve learned that our lives are a journey. I may not be the “perfect” mom, I may not have the “perfect” (fill in the blank), but “I am enough!” even as I grow and become a better me.